Every Man And Every Woman Is A DJ

Berlin is a city of DJs, but it’s by no means unique in that regard—it seems like anyone with a laptop (or less) wants in on the game. That’s why I’d like to offer a few tips and tricks that I’ve picked up over the years; it might help you put a new “spin” on your  sets. I wish I was dead.

The first thing you need to know as a DJ is that nobody’s coming to hear you play music; they can listen to the same damn tracks in their home and not pay 8 bucks for a Jack and Coke while some skid tries to crawl their leg. They want to feel like they’re someplace fashionable so they can justify the rest of their banal existence, as well as their obscene bar tab. So before you sort out your tracks, sort yourself out first. Recommended looks include black clothes.

Next you’re going to want to make sure you have plenty of drugs. Whoa, whoops, I mean, don’t have plenty of drugs. I myself never do drugs and would never recommend them to my readership here. You don’t want those drugs. I don’t want to do any drugs, that’s for sure. I’m not racking up huge lines in the shape of pentagrams and punching the bathroom wall as I listen to Soulja Boy and pray to ancient and dreaming gods. I don’t want drugs. Ignore the jack-off motion I’m making.

Now you’re ready to get to the real meat of DJing: the sex. All DJs have sex, a lot. That’s why so many horrible-looking people are DJs, and why so many of the good looking ones often accept lower fees (ahem) to play in college towns. You could have twin leaking goiters popping out of the corners of your mouth like pool balls but once you hit play you’re gonna get taken down to Pound Town. My advice? Missionary position. It’s a classic for a reason.

At some point you’re going to be required to play music. That means you’re going to need a device to play it with. A lot of modern DJs use computers; I find that to be a bit clunky, and I always worry about people spilling drinks on it while I’m distracted with Facebook. An iPod will suffice just as well; you can get really cute lil’ DJ setups for it that you can fiddle with and look relatively busy, and the whole thing fits nicely on top of those turntables nobody uses. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking a non-Apple MP3 player will suffice. You’re going to look like a fool.

Can’t be bothered? No worries, a cool new way to do a DJ set is to just get on the mic and make all the music noises yourself. You have to cup your hand over your mouth and do all the samples too so be careful what you “play” because by the tenth time you’ve shrieked, “RUN THE TRAP, mheemheeMWEHHHHHHHHH,” you’re going to start to feel a bit silly. Try to keep it instrumental unless you have the pipes for it.

Well, that’s it. You’re pretty much a DJ at this point. Make sure to get your drink tickets beforehand.

Published June 27, 2013. Words by Daniel Jones.