Audioccult Vol. 3̤̱͕͢ ̱̣͕̜̀͟͜T̹̜̗͈̠̼̀Ę̶̻E̵̢̤̩T̢̡͕̦̥̦͍̟̳̩ͅH̰̼̺͎

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: Daniel Jones. 

Despite never having seen a girl or a woman for most of my adult life, I can walk into any room and in under ten minutes it will be covered sweat from all the ladies who are almost definitely not checking out my vintage wheelies hard enough. Glide from corner to corner like a python (also what I call my ripped arms, what a coincidence?? Hahah think again) who drank too much milk on the way over so I have to move around a lot or I get urpy. Sweet deal for a lucky lass with an urge to help a dude purge; could your gurgling burps and babylike coos soon be joined by another’s? That’s what I’m here to help you with. I’m going to present three scenarios, with three solutions at the end of the page. Practice these what-if scenarios in your imagination, a place free from judgment and mean older sisters. Oh what, just because I’m a nerd and a mutant and I have the words BABY DICK DUDE instead of eyebrows then that makes me a pussy? Who’s the one who misgenders every single damn Master of Disguise (2002) quote I throw at her including the really obvious ones from the trailers? Turtley enough for the Turtle Club much, sis? I guess failure is an option.

SCENARIO 1: BRUISE CLUES 

You’ve just enrolled in a course teaching you how to hypnotize women by deconstructing the female psychology using alpha pronouns and specific body language. A man in a Spencer’s Gifts hat is trying to teach you his secret techniques, but as you fail to grasp the nuances between his words, his goatee stroking becomes agitated. Eventually, you come to the realization that this man is gross and doesn’t have a clue about anything to do with women—so you crack his case, in this case his ribs, via powerful piledriver techniques from a previous class. Upon the twelfth impact, his chest shatters and releases flocks of blind, terrible naked birds into the sky—the last of which fixes you with an intense milk-white stare.

SCENARIO 2: QUOTH THE RAVER

You’ve been quoting Suicide lyrics for the last hour, getting progressively louder and more aggressive, yet you still haven’t attracted a date.

SCENARIO 3: A GIFT HORSE IS THE WORST GIFT

Kiss a person?!! Go on a date with another human being and struggle not to discuss your eternal hatred of horses? Terrible. You get no passes for hating horses. Hating horses is a lonely horse-hatin’ road a’tread by shuffling feet (but never hooves) so good luck with this one, buster.

SOLUTION 1: A BIRD IN THE HAND

Your dreams are forever-after filled with the snapping sounds of twigs and the brush of warm skin, dry as parchment and just as brittle.

SOLUTION 2: STRUGGLE THAT NEVER ENDS

Find another dentist office because this one clearly sucks.

SOLUTION 3 TEETH: TOO FAR GONE, DISSOLVED TO DUST

“A horse is a horse, of course” and these exclusive premieres from LA industrial monsters 3 TEETH from their upcoming debut album will help you stay the course on your dating journey. There is no laughter on this path; no one dreams here. But if you follow my tips and my column, give me the big clicks and the major shares, you can rest easy the way everyone should: with a pile of horse pieces next to your bed. ~

Published May 30, 2014. Words by Daniel Jones.