Audioccult Vol. 70: Die Kunst des Glücklichseins

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

Remember all the hullabaloo of the 2k13 Apocalypse? How, at the prescribed hour, there was no sudden blast of trumpets, no great inferno to devour us all? The world went on unchanged, most people breathed a slightly embarrassed sigh of relief and went back to their natural way of life. No annihilating comet has ceased our poisoning of the oceans. The celebrities we create continue to encourage social controversy on trivial garbage which distracts us from real problems, while prudish attitudes stylized as popular opinion encourage us to tell those naughty celebs what they should or shouldn’t do with their bodies. Death, dissidence, violent bigotry and crumbling systems have become almost as prevalent as twerking. Hovering over all, the winged interns of Gawker and Buzzfeed take screenshots and put social media buttons on them. Last week I sent a letter to William Bennet asking for life advice. This reality is a paradise.

I can honestly say I’ve never experienced an age so golden. Humanity is basically coasting on a really sick wheelie right now, with some of the finest minds to guide us. Obama Ultima leads with an iron fist, his retractable jaws snapping at the air above the cheering crowds as his mobile podium grinds across the landscape. The millions of shrieking wasps which comprise The Queen’s body have never looked more full and glossy in their Adidas ten-piece track suit. Our rulers let us know when it is safe to love someone, and when it is a crime.

Soon our great Chinese overlords will sweep across the West Coast atop RuPaul’s spider-drones. As their enslaved New Syrianon man-monsters ravage our cities, our discount Zune implants will stream soothing hi-def ads targeted by our careless thoughts. Disney Pixar’s new animation about coffee mugs is a must-see. There’s #1 Dad, I ♥ My Bichon and CAUTION: Horny Bitch, the rowdy wisecracking teen mug. The Koffee Kups spills into theaters July 14th. Retweet #nomoreracism @ CNN to see the new Subaru commercial. The 3DS RealDoll is incapable of emotion, but she’ll stream every episode of Breaking Bad in both the Major and Minor Arcana while you embrace her chemical body. We’re building the blocks of the foundation of our future, together, and it is comprised of our own flesh and bone. I feel no pain. Enjoy the music.~

Published August 30, 2013. Words by Daniel Jones.