Audioccult Vol. 85: Three Ways To Have CISex—Guaranteed!

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

Friday. The day when you and all your grunt-guys push down the overwhelming worries of another week bending your wills to Another. You’ve got your pits powdered and mask-spray 4 days to hide the natural smell of fear. Your stomachs are packed with pounded beer batter at TGIFridays. You’ve taken the series of photographs to prove to your unlikable workmates and odd-bodies that you and your friends are blasting out the sickest motherfucking night on the planet and it’s time. Time to get fucked. Cough YOLOSWAG into three fingers and hurl it to the wind.

Now you’re up in the club, plow a path to the bar (“just like you’ll be plowing that nameless womb later”, haha Jeff doesn’t know who his mother is keep it down guys) and confuse yourself into accepting the social aspects of the situation. Look around, you post-workweek kings. You hear that soundtrack? That is some music, the sort you know about from when you play the radio. This is your domain, and the stench is like ambrosia. Now is the time—but are you ready?

Do you know about the Sex?

TIP #1: Talk to Woman

Sex is imminent, natch, but you gotta walk the walk and talk the talk. We covered walking in last week’s lesson, so hopefully you remember that and can get yourself over to the potentiality of your choice. You there? Great. Now comes the hard part: you gotta talk to this other human, who is different from you. This might seem obvious, but it’s completely essential if you want to become an Ultimate Man. There’s a woman over th—WAIT, there goes another now! These woman are everywhere, like ants or the aliens in Aliens. Hard to choose but that means hard to lose, my friend. You can talk about anything, as long as you do it loudly. Tell her the joke your uncle told you when he bought that new stud finder. Remember when you heard the music that other time? Maybe someone on Facebook typed the word dubstep to you once. “This is good dubstep,” you can scream into her ear over the Daft Punk song. “Damn, son, where’d I find this,” and then out comes the prenis. Is she in her thirties? She was probably a Nick Kid, or perhaps even a Snick Kid. Nostalgia factor is high in this species—use it. Reference The Beets and an hour and ten appletinis later you’ll be slammin’ it to the OG Doug theme. Ca$h.

TIP #2: Do this with your body:

TIP #3: Tending to your Tinder

For myself, Tinder is the cool app to use to look at people I would never, ever want to have sex with. For you, it’s a playground of pleasure (not literally, of course; let’s keep it legal). Just keep whacking that heart button; something is bound to happen. Batman festishists whose wardrobes are full of really normal outfits, take heed! Sixty percent of the women who use this app have that ‘smile as wide as I possibly can’ smile on all their photos, so you will potentially be able to sleep with the Joker of your choice. Rictus entertain you.

I hope some of these tips were useful to you, Average CISMen of the world. They helped me so much that I honestly stopped caring about pound-oil getting on my sheets because I don’t know how to get it out, so I just rub my slang on the duvet when I *in porno voice* Do It and I renamed all of my date-night MP3s after girls who didn’t like me in junior high. ~

Published December 13, 2013. Words by Daniel Jones.