Audioccult Vol. 89: Making The Death of Net Neutrality Work For You

Light a candle. Draw the required sigils. Now, raise your arms above your head and slowly, gently, exhale your soul. You won’t need it here. This is Audioccult, and it’s time to get low. Illustration: SHALTMIRA

If you’re like me, you’re pretty into using the Internet. You might even be using it right now. That’s why it’s important to understand just what the loss of net neutrality means. Basically, a federal US court has just ruled that major Internet service providers are now free to allow or restrict access to the Internet on their own terms—a major shift in the balance of URL power, as such restricted access was previously only seen in censorship-favoring areas of the world such as China, Russia, Iran, and my room when dad’s being an asshole. Now the only question that remains is: “How can I make the death of net neutrality work for me?”

◙  If you’ve ever given birth, this is your year. Remember the Zune? With a response time as clunky as its carapace, it was once the favored media device for in-touch moms looking for a place to store all those MP4s of her son’s favorite rap band, Little B. Suddenly, mom looks a lot cooler as all the streamlined iPod phones in the world are thrown to the ground out of frustration while she blazes across what she thinks is Tumblr but is actually just a fast-moving screensaver.

◙  People across the world are regularly delighted by the onstage antics of Sunn O))), the fun metal band who use super-slow guitar notes to teach people about druids and fog. You’ll soon be able to experience this slowness in your own home, on literally every activity or purpose you try to achieve. That website loading at dial-up speed? That’s cvlt as fvck. Also a good mindset for nineties nostalgia apologists.

◙  With such a massive amount of power suddenly handed to them, Internet service providers will soon be challenging the authority of the Roman Catholic Church, ushering in a new era in humanity’s history: The Netaissance. This means the time is riper than ever to become a martyr in the name of the thing you spend all day worshipping anyway. Your friendlist will never forget you.

◙  Thanks to the Upworthy headline plague of recent years, it’s more likely than ever that you’ll be tricked into clicking on yet another THIS BADMAN YELLED AT YUNG NUDEGIRL—YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT SHE DID THEN! only to discover that it’s the new Marilyn Manson and Miley Cyrus collaboration (which does seem to be about where the world is heading). With your new, slower Internet you can easily close the tab to avoid having to hear it before the page loads.

◙ Due to a loophole in the bylaws of the erronously-named ‘ethernet’, it’s possible to change the name of your wireless connection to ‘Aaliyah’s Ghost’ to upgrade it to an unearthly high speed.

◙  What the hell are you writing? “Why The Death of Net Neutrality Is A Good Thing?” “Aaliyah’s ghost”? Are you completely stupid? Read this closely, idiot. I’m on your computer while you’re in the bathroom cranking out another one of your ‘articles’, and now I’m the one writing Audioccult. Not you, and not your ‘asshole dad’ (aren’t you like 32?). Me, your boss. I’ve been sitting across from you for the last year, and now I’m sitting in your chair. I’m writing your article and flexing toward the bathroom and there’s not a goddamned thing you can do about it. That is what power is. How do you think corporate would feel if I told them about your lame ‘music’ column? Do you imagine that entire paragraphs of the word “cummy mummy” would amuse them? Sorry, shithead, but the party is over. ~

For more editions of Audioccult, click here. 

Published January 17, 2014. Words by Daniel Jones.