How To Wage Sonic Warfare Against Birds

Do you hate birds? This woman is a genius.

Fuck birds. Seriously. They are the dumbest animals. Nothing is more terrifying than catching a glimpse of the senseless abyss behind their stupid beady little eyes. We are not alone in thinking this. A developing story in LeHigh Valley Live paints a disturbing picture.

Suzanne Billman Bradford of Easton, Pennsylvania really hates birds, too. Her idiot neighbor put up a bunch of bird feeders which caused, surprise surprise, a lot of birds to linger in the area. Flying around, making weird noises, eating grain, shitting all over the place…what a nightmare.

First she turned to the usual choice for dealing with neighbor-created bird infestations, guns. But let’s be real, one lone gunman can’t take down that many birds. She tried just about everything, but nothing seemed to work.

And that’s when she stumbled upon what we passive-aggressives call “the nuclear option,” loud music. She got rid of the birds by blasting music from 6am to 8:30pm (AKA prime bird feeding time). She rocked her tunes for five righteous days. Apparently it worked, because the neighbor complained, and the police are now involved.

We’re not sure exactly where things stand with the bird situation there now, but we hope they’re all gone. What kind of music do you think she played? What kind of music would you play? We’d play this.

Sonic warfare is no joke. Nobody knows that better than Hyperdub label boss Kode9. He once wrote a book about it.

The only good bird is a dead bird. Here’s a bird skull that can play records.